Xiahou Dun Talk Show
by seijoorou
Summary: Do you have an unsolved problems? Can't solve it by yourself? Do you want a General with an eyepatch to solve it for you? Then go to "Xiahou Dun Talk Show"! Send your problems by review.
1. idk random stuff popped out from my head

Ok, basically, a talk show with Xiahou Dun as the host. You can send a review with a character's nickname(ex: Panda Girl = Xiao Qiao) along with their problem(s), then Xiahou Dun will solve it! (or not)

Enjoy.

*For this, imagine Xiahou Dun wearing a suit with his DW7 hairstyle*

* * *

"Hello. My name is Xiahou Dun. I'm a general, but somehow I have to host this show which is- shit, let's just start." Xiahou Dun said, then a staff gives him a number of paper.

"What is this?"

"The requests, sir."

Xiahou Dun reads the name, "Panda Girl?" Then, the screen next to him lights up revealing a crying silhouette, "LORD ZHOU YU, YOU NEED TO LET ME GO TO CAO WORLD-" "Pass." Xiahou Dun said.

 _ **Lady Killer**_

The screen lights up again, revealing a black silhouette but with Guo Jia's voice. "Master Xiahou Dun, how can I sleep with every woman without getting caught?" "I don't know. Pass."

 _ **No Self-esteem**_

"Seriously. Give me your real name or I will just pass everything!" Xiahou Dun said to the producer(me). "Too bad, it doesn't work like that. Now do it!"

 _ **No Self-esteem**_

"Why can't I do everything properly? Does everyone hate me? I am not a good strategist! Just kill me! KILL ME!"

The next thing that was heard was swords clashing then a dying voice, then silence.

"God, this is depressing. Next."

 _ **Horny Harp**_

"Hello, Master Xiahou Dun. Congratulation on hosting the show." Xiahou Dun sighed, "I'm not happy, though."

"Please remember that this is a recorded video and I can not hear nor see your reaction." Xiahou Dun sighed again, "Fine. And what's your problem?"

"Have you ever confused on which man you have to choose? I have two gentlemen who I keep thinking of. One of them is super rich but has too much concubines, and the other one is young and energetic, but I think he's starting to keep a distance from me. What should I do?"

"Finally! A proper request from a nice requester. I know this is Lady Cai, and for your problem, do you know Yue Jin thought you're a grandma now? Also, Lord Cao Cao, yes, he has too many concubines. So to solve this problem, you don't have to choose one of them. You can find another man. Problem solved."

"Hey! You're not allowed to call their real names! That's the requester's privacy!" said the producer. Xiahou Dun ignored her and continues with the requests.

 _ **THE STRONGEST MAN EVER EXISTED**_

"HOW DO I FIND A WORTHY ENEMY WHO CAN STAND MY POWER?"

Xiahou Dun stares at the screen for a while, surprised by the sudden loud voice. "Ehem, didn't you find that when China and Japan becomes one? Orochi? No? Uh..Tadakatsu Honda? Didn't he became your gay partner before? Okay, next."

 _ **#1 daughter**_

"Hello? Uh…I'm in love! Don't tell my father but I'm going to Wei and marry Xu Shu! Ehehee….ehehehe…AHAHAHA" The screen goes black.

"NEXT."

"There's nothing more, sir." Said one of the staff.

"Oh, is that so? Finally, I can go home-" "No, sir…you have to say this first." Said the staff as he gives a small paper to Xiahou Dun.

He stares at the paper, then to the staff, the staff nodded and goes back to his place.

"Do you have a problem? You can't solve it by yourself? Then send your review in the review page!"

"HEY, THAT'S NOT WHAT THE PAPER SAYS."

"THIS IS BETTER THAN THAT EMBARASSING GOODBYE DANCE."


	2. sadist lady

Ok, this 'certain guest' is starting to annoy tf out of me. If you only want to see your ship happening then find the fics who writes about them. Do you know how the filter function works? You have been annoying me the first time I saw you bitching about your ship. You know what? Not everyone ship your ship. And I wasn't dissing, that was how you stop a ship war, in my way :) if you don't like it, then go.

PS: I'll just call Mr. Staff with Renyuan now.

* * *

 _ **Sadist Lady**_

Xiahou Dun stared at the paper, disgusted. "We accept requests from Japan, too?" he asked Renyuan, who gave him the paper. He nodded, then leave the stage.

"Hello, Master Xiahou Dun-" "NO. PASS. I'M NOT LISTENING TO HER." Xiahou Dun shouted, throwing the paper to the screen, then canceled the video.

The producer throws more paper to Xiahou Dun, "Well, excuse you. She paid a lot of gold to get her problem solved and just because you passed that one doesn't mean you're free from her because she sent another request anyway so, do it."

"I don't want to help her if its about finding a new 'toy' again."

"….it's not."

"I'M LEAVING."

"Hey! HEY! This is only the second episode! Renyuan, catch him!"

Xiahou Dun was caught, Renyuan was able to tie him to a chair although it took hard work and times. Beside Xiahou Dun, is another man who will read the problems in Xiahou Dun's stead.

"You have a contract with us, you can't just run away like that." Said the producer. "Even though you have a replaceme-" "Shh. Continue the show, Xun Yu."

Xun Yu reads the paper with his usual face then played the video, revealing Aya's silhouette. "Hello, Master Xiahou Dun. Don't you ever think that Kanetsugu makes a great slave? You know he is, that's why I'd like to trade Kanetsugu for one of your-"

Xun Yu canceled the video. "I hope you don't mind if I do that." He said.

"I don't." said Xiahou Dun.

 _ **God of War**_

"I have suspicion about my daughter trying to marry someone from the enemy side, and I do not like that. Do you guys do something like raiding a wedding?"

"Not if it's you." Xiahou Dun said, snickering.

"I have gold." The voice from the screen said.

"Call the assassins." Said the producer. Then, in a split second a hoarde of hooded assassins came out of nowhere, rolling on the ground or climbing the walls, then all of them escaped the building from the window.

 _ **Sadist Lady**_

"It's her again?!"

"I did told you she sent another request."

"I don't know, it just feels like…I need more slaves. A female one. Hm..that doesn't sound tempting."

"You have Noh in Japan." Xiahou Dun said, but Xun Yu shook his head. "The paper says ' _I do not accept anyone named Noh'_."

"Long story short, I want more slave! Send me someone from China, please." The screen goes black.

Xiahou Dun and Xun Yu eyed each other, "You wanna go?" Dun asked, Xun Yu shook his head then throws Aya's request paper away.

 _ **MEATBUN**_

"How can I have a lifestock of meatbun?"

Xiahou Dun and Xun Yu was about to react, but then the door opens to reveal Sima Yi. "No, don't solve that one problem!"

"If you do that then my son will look just like Xu Zhu, don't!"

"We were going to throw this one away."

"Good." Sima Yi leaves.

"God, this show is a mess." Xiahou Dun said. "I know right, I wonder why they chose you as the host, though. You will just make it even more messier." Xun Yu said, looking at the papers. Xiahou Dun looks at him, "Excuse me?"

"What?"

"Ah, there is no more requests for today. I guess I can go." Xun Yu said, leaving his seat. The production team is ready to leave, too. But one thing that they forgot is Xiahou Dun is still tied to the chair.

"Fuck."


	3. ssup

The light goes on, but on the stage was Xu Shu wearing a suit. The producer asked him, "Where's Xiahou Dun? Why the hell are you here?"

"Hey, hey. He paid me to do this. You should at least say thank you or else you would have no host to ruin this show." Said Xu Shu.

"NO. This is Xiahou Dun Talk Show, not Xu Shu Talk Show! Fuck off!" said the producer, Xu Shu said 'tsk' under his breath then threw the papers to the ground. A few minutes later, Renyuan came to the stage with Xiahou Dun following behind.

Xiahou Dun sat down with threatening looks, "Where's the requests?" Renyuan was about to give him the papers Xu Shu threw before but then Xiahou Dun slammed the table. "WHERE'S THE REQUEST-" "Are you trying to bring back your scary image? That's not happening while I'm here. Now READ THE FUCKING REQUESTS." Said the producer.

"Fine, FINE. I'm doing it! You don't have to shout."

* * *

 **Anon-gist**

 _How do you stop a woman from drinking up all the wine in the cellar? Anything would do other than killing her._

"How about you drink all the wine yourself? Is this guy a meninist? Why can't female drink wine? Why is he trying to stop a woman from drinking all the wines? And why do he has a fucking voice-changer?"

Beside him was Xu Shu, who's still there. "Sounds like magic. I mean, we're not supposed to have a voice changer, yet." Both of them glanced at each other, then nodded.

"Must be Sima Yi."

* * *

 **SUPERAWESOMEMEGAGUY**

 _What's better? A unicorn, a Pegasus, or a Kirin? My father is being a dick about how a Kirin would eati a unicorn for breakfast. He even called a unicorn a horse with a deformity! Can't you believe it?!_

Xiahou Dun rubbed his chin, "I'd say Kirin because we're Chinese. Beside, can you even find these creatures?"

"I don't think so." Xu Shu shrugged.

* * *

 **Shorty-McShort-Short**

 _Hey! I didn't choose that name! F*bleep* you! Anyway, what should I do to get taller? Is here some kind of thing I'm not doing right?_

"You can stand on a tower if you'd like-" The producer threw a script on Xiahou Dun, "Do it seriously."

"Tsk."

"Xun Yu will probably make you taller with his magic but you'll have to sacrifice your dick."

"What about Sima Yi?"

"Then Shorty-McShort has to sacrifice his soul."

* * *

 **Butterfly Free**

 _Your outfit is a bit plain. Can I fix it?_

"No."

* * *

 **Pimp of Chaos**

 _Which women should I take?_

"Me-" before Xiahou Dun can finish his sentence, he noticed Xu Shu staring at him, disgusted. "Ehem. Is this important? All your wives are generic, so…"

* * *

 **The Better Bruce Lee**

 _Did Koei make me a pedophile?_

"Knowing your wife's design, yeah."

* * *

 **Silent Chinese Samurai**

 _How do I so... so... social... talk with people?_

Xiahou Dun rubbed his chin for the second time, "Huh….I don't really know…You can just talk dirty with Sun Quan, that's what you call social talking, isn't it?"

"Uh..should it be 'dirty talk'?" asked Xu Shu.

"He lacks confidence, so it should."

* * *

 **Badass Ninja**

 _Am I bi?_

"I don't know, Li Dian. You should ask that to yourself."

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL THEIR REAL NAMES-" "NEXT." Xiahou Dun shouted, as Renyuan gave him the two last requests.

* * *

 **Single strategist in panic**

 _GET THIS GIRL OFF MY ASS_

"This…." Xiahou Dun eyed the guy beside him, while Xu Shu just coughed awkwardly.

"Which girl is this guy talking about?" He asked Xu Shu who responded with a shrug, "I- I wouldn't- I wouldn't know, would I?"

"Well, then…"

* * *

 **Awesome Sexy Ladies Man**

 _Which one has bigger Himalayas, Lianshi or Zhang Chunhua_

"I'm pretty sure it's Lianshi."

"I'VE DONE ALL THE REQUEST- I CAN GO NOW BYE LOSERS!"

Xiahou Dun ran off and left them dumbfounded. Xu Shu broke down the silence with a cough, "I guess….I will go now."


End file.
